Behind the Fear

This piece was written more than a year ago, after my wonderful voice coach, Lynn, accused me of hiding behind my fear.  She invited me to play with the idea, and this is what I came up with.  I do not claim to be a poet by any definition, and my apologies to those of you who truly are poets. 

 

Behind the Fear

Fear makes me do weird things.
Knives no longer write my fear on flesh;
Fear carves treachery into my own heart,
Letting cowardice and procrastination ooze out
like so much crude oil spilling into Prince William Sound,
Despoiling the fragile ecosystem I called my soul.

Ruined.

I feel shadows in sunlight, taste marble in cotton candy
Until friend becomes enemy, becomes lover, becomes God
and I can’t remember what freedom sounds like.
Somebody tell me what to do with this.

Because it’s heavy.

I’m made into someone I’m not, someone I despise,
Who clings to the fragrance of shit on your shoe
because I can’t bear the loss of even imagined interest.
Makes me question every word I’ve ever uttered, every hurt I’ve ever bled,
Mixing pain and longing into a stew of angst, and loathing.

And why?

Because the idea that I can soar above the fate my history would have me play out?
The notion that I am not defined by my past nor bound to its lies?
The possibility that I am the pearl of great worth?

Scares the hell out of me.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Behind the Fear

  1. Oh, Carryl, this is powerful. I’m not a “real” poet, either, but I love to play with words. This was my favorite part:
    I feel shadows in sunlight, taste marble in cotton candy
    Until friend becomes enemy, becomes lover, becomes God
    and I can’t remember what freedom sounds like.
    Somebody tell me what to do with this.

    Because it’s heavy.

    Like

  2. OMG, I love this! It’s so hard to write about an abstract concept like fear, but you nailed it!

    Letting cowardice and procrastination ooze out
    like so much crude oil spilling into Prince William Sound,
    Despoiling the fragile ecosystem I called my soul.

    I can’t think of any topic more important than this one. And I love your ending. Spectacular!

    I so resonate with this!

    Like

  3. Beautiful and so genuine. The ending is what struck me.

    Because the idea that I can soar above the fate my history would have me play out?
    The notion that I am not defined by my past nor bound to its lies?
    The possibility that I am the pearl of great worth?

    Scares the hell out of me.

    …Thank you so much for sharing this.

    Like

    • Fear has a funny way of disguising itself, and what I find I’m most afraid of, isn’t the “dark” stuff, it’s the stuff I long for the most.

      Thank you so much for reading!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s